Today

I debated about posting this entry, obviously in the end I’ve decided to go ahead and post it.  This blog is for Clare; I want her to be able to look back and read about her life, all of it, good, bad, raw and real.

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Today was one of those days, you know, one of those days where you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that things will get better, trusting that you’ve made the best decision and are doing the right thing.  One of those days where all I could do was keep moving forward no matter how small the steps were, if I stopped to think I got upset about not having more time with Clare. 

I woke up early to go for a walk, thinking that maybe a little exercise would do me some good, plus Kai could benefit from a little positive attention from me.  Clare woke up shortly after we got back, I opened the door and there she was standing in her crib, both Bunnies in hand, looking at the door, waiting for me, smiling as I walked in.  After getting dressed we snuggled for a bit, that’s when it hit me.  I am madly in love with this little girl and I’m missing so much each day.  I started to cry, I’m not much of a crier, today, I was a crier.  Clare knew I needed a hug and leaned in to rest her head on my chest, of course this only made me cry more.  She sat up and touched the tear on my cheek, maybe that was her way of saying I shouldn’t cry.  She then put her head back down and held me for a little while longer.  Clare isn’t a very affectionate little lady, she doesn’t like to hold hands and doesn’t really give hugs, today, she was a hugger. 

After breakfast we woke up Jeff, she likes to sit down on the bed and wake him up; I can’t imagine a better alarm.  I brushed my teeth and loaded the car, then it hit me, I’m madly in love with this little girl, and I started to tear up again.  Not wanting to cry in front of Jeff we said our goodbyes and got in the car.  Clare took her morning nap in the car, which she does most every morning, and I listened to the radio, and it hit me again. 

We got to Karen’s and Clare woke up as we pulled in the parking lot, like she does most mornings.  We walked up the sidewalk and I told her how much I loved her, that I loved her more than anything in the world. You guessed it, it hit me again, but this time I held it together.  Karen welcomed Clare with a big ‘Hello’ and open arms, Clare was happy to see her and went right to her, like she does most mornings.  That’s when it hit me again, this time I couldn’t hold it together.  Poor Karen, all she said was ‘this is your busy season, isn’t it?’ that’s all I needed to feel that ‘Mommy guilt’ again and let the water works flow.  She gave me a hug, Clare laughed, and I kissed her goodbye.  Each morning the most difficult thing I do is walk away and leave her there, I hate that I can’t be with her all day, I hate leaving her there.

I decided that maybe some Starbucks would help, a venti no foam skinny vanilla latte can work wonders.  While standing in line the Barista, who now knows my order, asked how my day was going, fortunately I was able to hold it together and exchange pleasantries about the day and weather.  The coffee was wonderful; the banana chocolate chip coffee cake was even better.

Before heading to the Rec. center I stopped at the admin building, before getting out of the car I gave myself a little pep talk, my workday was starting and I needed to hold it together.  Nancy was at the front desk and greeted me with a big ‘Hello!’ and asked about my day, yes you guessed it; tears again. Thank Heavens for Alina, she had no idea what was coming in her door, I did an about face and headed for her office, it was the closest place to ‘hide’ and I knew she would understand and not look at me crazy for walking in with my hands over my face and trying to pull myself together.  I am so grateful for her, we spent a good 30 minutes talking about the challenges of being a working mother and how all we wanted in life was to be with our little girls, but here we both were at work, thinking about our little girls and watching the clock tick by until we could see them again. Thank you Alina for being there this morning, you have no idea how much I appreciated our little meeting this morning. 

So, after my HR meeting, I collected the materials I came for 45 minutes prior, and headed to the Rec. center.  This time I told myself I HAD to hold it together, I had a long day ahead of me and I needed to get to work.  I was able to keep the water works at bay, until one of my staff gave me a card saying Thank You and telling me she appreciated my hard work.  I was so blown away; her kind words could not have come at a better time.  I stopped and thought about Clare, but was able to keep my composure.  It wasn’t long after that Karen sent me a picture of Clare smiling, that picture meant the world to me; it was just what I needed. 

My afternoon was booked; back-to-back with lessons, interviews and a class, while stressful to move from one thing to another I was grateful for the packed schedule to keep me busy and my mind occupied. I was setting the DVD for the class when Jeff popped his head in to say Clare was there to see me, don’t worry, I kept my cool in front of the class.  I was so happy to see them, Clare’s face lit up with a smile when I walked out to see her.  I had a few minutes so we chatted for a bit and checked things out.   While hanging out in the stretching area Clare took a few steps, I was so happy to see her and to see her take a few steps was wonderful.  Sadly I had to get back to my class, so Clare and Jeff loaded up and headed home.  I kissed her goodnight and told her I’d come see her first thing when I got home.

Finally my day was done and I was able to leave, it was one of those days where I wish I could just click my heels and be home, the drive seemed so long.  I drove in silence, hoping it would help relax me and relieve the headache that had formed over the afternoon.  I finally got home and walked in the door to the smell of dinner, spicy black bean soup with pulled pork, delicious.  After taking my contacts out I went to check on Clare, she was sleeping so peacefully, it’s all I could do to not pick her up and hold her.  She is simply perfect.

I ended my day with checking my e-mail, I hadn’t checked it all day, and the only personal e-mail in my in-box was from Ann.  I’ll let you see for yourself, but as I’m sure you can guess, I lost it again. 

I’m not sure what today was all about, like I said I’m not much of a crier, but today I was.  Today I missed my little girl, I missed playing with her, hearing her talk, watching her play, and being with her.  Tomorrow will hopefully be easier; tomorrow I’ll hold myself together, tomorrow is one day closer to a day off, tomorrow I’ll be home for dinner and our evening routine (thank you Alina), tomorrow is a new day.