Survival

This week marked the first week of a new chapter in my new life; I returned to work on Monday. I knew the day would come, just not so quickly. I tried to prepare myself, but nothing could prepare me for the emotions I experienced this week, and may continue to feel. I am happy to report that I survived the week and feel a tiny bit better about returning to work.

Sunday night was hard, I sat in her room holding her and watching her sleep, I could have held her all night. I tired to drink her in; the feel of her skin, the softness of her hair, her smell, the look on her face as she fell asleep and dreamt sweet baby dreams. I wanted to remember every little bit of her, make a memory to take with me.

As I walked out of her room for the last time, I tried to leave at least a dozen times, all I could think about was how on earth was I going to leave her in the morning. For the last year she has been with me all day everyday, how was I supposed to walk out of the house and leave her behind? I knew she would be in good hands, Gail and Greg were here for the week, but I felt as though I was going to leave a piece of me behind. I finally fell asleep, but only after tossing and turning for most of the night.

Monday morning came early; I woke up a few minutes before she did for the first time. Her voice early in the morning has become my alarm clock, the first alarm clock I’ve actually welcomed the sound of. When I walked in to see her she smiled at me, she was so happy to see me, it melted my heart. We followed our new morning routine but took our time getting ready; I wanted to spend every moment I could with her. After a few extra kisses and a long hug I decided I just needed to do it, the sooner I left the sooner I could come home and be with her. Gail was happy to take over, and Clare was happy to start her day of playing, napping and being cute.

I can’t say I was very productive at work. I spent more time thinking of Clare than I did thinking about work, fortunately there were a few things that needed to be done so I had some distractions. I couldn’t get home fast enough, I needed to run an errand but decided it could wait; I just wanted to be home with Clare. I’ve never been so happy to get home. Walking in the door and hearing her voice, seeing her smile and holding her was the best feeling.

Everyone tells me that this will get easier, and it may, but for now it’s hard. I wish that it were possible for one of us to stay home, but it’s not. I keep telling myself that daycare will be beneficial to her; she’ll have friends, learn new things, experience things she may not otherwise, and most importantly she’ll be fine and will have fun. It’s going to be more difficult for me than it will be for her.

So, I survived my first week back at work. I don’t enjoy leaving her each morning, but seeing her smile when I come home makes it all worthwhile. This week she will start going to Karen’s Tuesday-Friday (I’ll take Monday’s off). I’m anticipating this week being difficult as well; stay tuned for that entry.