Clare will be 19 months old on Thursday; this second year is flying by. More and more each day she is showing us her individual personality, flexing her muscle and testing the limits. She isn’t a ‘no’ child, she doesn’t throw fits, and she doesn’t do things to spite us. She does however have her own opinion and desires, which don’t always meet up with what is acceptable. I’m sorry little lady, but we just can’t play outside when it’s dark and 40 degrees.
I told Jeff this morning that I feel as though I can do no right by Clare, no matter what I do she gets upset and she doesn’t really seem happy when she’s with me. It breaks my heart. I had another morning where I had to dry my tears before I went into Starbucks for my ‘I deserve a coffee’ coffee. After getting dressed this morning she got down and ran into Jeff saying ‘Hi Dada, hug!’ I love that she loves her Dada, but I’d love a hug once in a while too.
When I dropped her off this morning she said ‘Bye Bye Dada’ I tried to not think anything of it, but it hurt. I smiled and told her I was Mama and that I loved her; but that didn’t keep me from tearing up. Karen gave me a hug and told me not to worry, that all day she talks about me and asks where I am. I know she loves me, but hearing her say it or getting a hug once in a while would be wonderful.
I decided before we left for work this morning that we’d go outside for a little photo shoot; she looked so perfect in her dress and matching bow. She was thrilled to be outside, and tickled that I let her have a Vera purse to play with. I couldn’t get her to smile at the camera, but once Bunny joined us outside she was all smiles. When I asked her to show me her teeth she happily opened her mouth wide, just like she does when we brush her teeth.
Bunny is her best friend.
I need to remember these moments when I’m doubting our relationship and myself. I know she loves me even if she doesn’t show it; heck I shouldn’t be surprised I’m not much one for hugging either. I need to remember these moments when I need a smile. I know she loves me, but sometimes it's hard when she's upset because I won't let her do/have something she wants.
She must have known today was hard for me. Rather than read books tonight she and I sat in our chair and sang a few songs, she held her Bunny and a baby. I told her she was holding her baby just like I was holding my baby, she then held her baby up to me for a kiss. When I asked her for a hug she leaned in and gave me a hug, she even put her little arm around me and patted me on the back. She must have known that was just what I needed tonight.
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